Feeling kinda silly. I'm, believe it or not, a rather if not a very private person. Private in terms of "me" and my thoughts and feeling. Yes I can post pictures of me crotch and whatnot, but exposing myself in such a manner just...well it's just a body. A body that's mine, yes, but it's a normal, semi-well functioning body nonetheless. Nothing special.
And, well I'm not gonna slice my heart in two and expose my deepest thoughts and fears, nor am I...well whatever.
But...but in general, i have two ways of socializing with people, two different ways of enjoying myself with whatever company i'm in, and I do enjoy meeting people, greatly so!
There's the very secure, funny, semi-evil but ever so charming Wiktor, where the essence of him is well hidden, if not inside a bunker then behind pretty high, well-guarded walls. Nothing wrong with that though, and most certainly nothing fake, not at all!
He, or I, can and do play over the entire spectrum of emotions. But I play. I play with myself. And most people do.
Given that this is something I do with 95% of the ones that I know, it's the side of me that's the most...well that's me. Or they think it is. And so do I. But I moments of greater clarity, when i'm "with" me, myself and I, moments my inner core, ironically, would call moments of being lost, where the walls get see through I...I get scared. Which is fine. I just slap on a smile, pick an emotion suited for the company i'm in or an emotion contrasting of what i'm really feeling.
This normally works really well, and automatically so. That's why I, when this...this system, aint working, well then I know that I, perhaps, genuinely like someone. Or at least that I should explore. When the walls have fallen, when there's nothing but nothing on my mind; no line, no joke, no sassy comment, no plan to escape the situation(once again, when this do "work" it's something that happens without me thinking. I never feel the need to please, so to speak)
I'm now questioning that "system". I try to feel, but it's grey. I try to slap on a smile, but nothing. I feel oblivious to most things, and at the same time I can feel a cavalcade of emotion bubbling. Not because of someone. Or well, not because of anyone but me.
I think I'm gonna keep them walls down. Hmm..get to know myself, and most importantly, give other people a chance know me. Me, myself and I and the multitude of different versions of the three, are constantly being defined and redefined through the eyes of other. You are merely a projection of what they think of you and how they make you feel. Why not show "you" and see the real version of yourself for once.